This post was written by Amy Blevins of Homeschool Encouragement
Several years ago, I was chatting with a group of ladies from my small group at church and I was asked this question: “Is frustration with your kids a sin?”
My immediate, gut response based on my personal experience was, “Yes!” The other moms were quite shocked at my response. As the conversation proceeded, I had to concede that frustration is not always a sin, and is certainly not a sin for everyone. (It’s not listed in the Bible anywhere.) But for me, frustration with kids is an open door to sin. It’s where the anger starts.
Maybe you can relate.
I had noticed that I was letting myself grit my teeth or roll my eyes in frustration more and more as I dealt with my increasing family. And the more I allowed myself to get aggravated, the more often I would fuss, yell, and fume instead of parenting effectively.
The bottom line is this: Parenting frustration can either be a pathway to change, or a pathway to sin.
My experience is that frustration with my kids is almost always tied to a poor parenting choice. I don’t stop stirring that sauce soon enough to deal with behavior, and pretty soon bad behavior spirals out of control. When I finally stop and deal with my children, I am already steamed. So in this case, the frustration is not the sin but is evidence of sin. Self-centered delay of necessary parenting. That’s something I can change.
Pro-active moms can jump in and intercept so many issues before they become triggers of frustration.
For example: the nightly wrestling-matches-gone-wild my boys tend to have about the time I need to fix supper and get them to straighten the main floor before Daddy comes home. If I give my boys a warning or two before it is time to do chores, they are more likely to cooperate. If I draw lines in the sand about appropriate wrestling in the house, they are more likely to settle down when I ask. If I give them plenty of time to run outside during the day, they have less energy to run around in the house in the evening.
These are all parenting strategies I can employ to prevent frustration before it occurs. Here are some things that never work: Ignoring everyone while I cook. Threatening. Yelling. Stomping my feet. Separating children and then going back to the kitchen. Giving them time-outs when they are supposed to be cleaning.
A friend of mine recently said, “Yelling at children does violence to their souls.”
That is pretty powerful. It is reason enough to stop frustration before it reaches fruition.
Here are some basic steps I am taking to stop frustration before it starts a downward spiral:
Parenting through practice drills. If I want my children to behave in the grocery store, they are going to need to practice walking around quietly with me at home. If I want my children to sit still in church, we can practice that on the couch during family devotions. If I want my kids to be quiet when Daddy comes home, we can build book time into our evening routine.
Parenting immediately on infraction. Instead of waiting for a scream or tattletale, I need to jump in as soon as I notice sin. I can address the sin with Scripture, kindness, an opportunity for restitution and forgiveness first, and then provide necessary discipline for a second infraction. Sauce on the stovetop will be eaten in an hour and gone. Children who hit, fight, yell, spit, and take each other’s toys will not magically self-correct and learn proper behavior. The sauce can simmer, the sin should not.
Parenting without screaming. It doesn’t do any good. All you or I accomplish with yelling is teaching our children to yell when they don’t get what they want, and teaching our children to tune us out instead of listening. When I said that frustration can be a pathway to sin, this is what I am talking about. Frustration turns into anger and spirals out of control too quickly.
Parenting with Scripture. One of my favorite resources to use for parenting is For Instruction in Righteousness by Doorposts. This book includes Scripture verses for many different sins. You can use these verses for copywork, you can require them as memory work, you can sing them in made-up songs, you can even have a child write the verse fifty times. Teaching your child the Scripture gives them the bigger picture, the why. That way when they hit 21 and go out on their own they understand why certain types of behavior are wrong or right, without you around.
Frustration with our kids can either be a pathway to change for the better, or a pathway to sin.
How do you respond to frustration?
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I can so relate to this – I just don’t seem to have enough time to recharge in my day, and I wonder if this is a reason for this problem, or just an excuse…Thank you for the food for thought.
Needed to hear this today! Thanks and great writing style.
Wise words of encouragement.
Cynthia, we do need that recharge time don’t we? It is so important to spend time in God’s Word to recharge our own batteries, and it certainly helps us parent more effectively. Thanks for pointing that out!
Wow!! I don’t think The Lord could have sent a more perfect blog for me!!!! With our new homeschool year starting tomorrow, and my frustration/yelling looming over my head, it was a sigh of relief to read this. I agree that our frustration opens the door to sin, and from there it will continue to spiral out of control. I see my yelling/ frustration mirrored back to me in my kids behavior:( thank you for your honsety and for being humble enough to write this.
Most od this sounds like some great stuff but I’m wondering about the “parenting immediately on infraction” tip. What about letting the kids work it out themselves? This is something that I go back and forth on. I find that my boys do better when they are outside and Im not present (in the house listening through a window) and they are more likely to hit etc* when they are in the house and Im there or right around the corner.
Sorry for the typos (including the one in my website address). Typing on my phone isnt always the easiest 🙂